Day 6: Three wishes

Isn't this kind of redundant considering that the last post was about things that would make me happy? Oh well, here goes:

(1) An always clean house. Unfortunately, this isn't realistic when you live with a toddler. How about a maid?

(2) More money. Granted, our financial situation is MUCH better now than it was while Stephan was in school. Seriously, I don't know how we survived. Wait, yes I do, it was by the grace of God. And very generous parents. However, our grocery bill has gone up since Kate has been eating more table food and less breast milk....

(3) More energy. I'm a mom and I have depression....'nuff said.

Day 5: Five things that would make me most happy right now

(1)  If Kate would start walking already. Mostly, I'm just sick of everyone asking, "Is she walking yet?!" No, she is not walking. We have decided that just like every other milestone, she's doing it on her own terms. And yet, I'm a paranoid first-time mom who worries about her developing normally, even though she has hit every milestone within the normal time frame. Yes, I realize that 12 months is the *average* age for babies to start walking, and that as long as she's walking by 18 months, I don't need to worry so much. But dang it, it seems like all the other babies her age in our ward are walking already. I remind myself that the babies in my family like to take their time in walking.

(2) More hours in the day. Often after I get Kate to bed, I look at the clock and see that I should be getting to bed soon if I want to get a reasonable amount of sleep. But then I stay up too late and regret it the next day. How about some extra hours, so I can get a little more time to do something I enjoy and/or spend time with the husband, and still get a good night's sleep?

(3) Not need the antidepressants anymore. While antidepressants have made a HUGE difference in my life, I really hate that I need them. Before anyone jumps in with their alternative cure for depression, let me mention that I tried pretty much everything before going on antidepressants, and nothing really worked.

(4) A cure for ICP. Intraheptic Cholestasis of Pregnancy, or just cholestasis for those of us who have had it. Much is still unknown about this disorder--it's only been in the last 10-15 years that they've even had a name for it. Many women have lost their babies in utero because of ICP, or have faced other problems associated with it. I am grateful everyday that I was taken seriously when I told my midwives of the horrible itching I was having and got the care I needed. I am also very grateful that Kate was born healthy and that no harm ever came to her, but I pray that she never has to have ICP when she has her babies. Maybe they will know more about the condition by that point, maybe there will be a cure! I can only hope and pray.

(5) My house to be decorated pretty. Okay, I'm bad at decorating my house. I have all these cute ideas on my Pinterest too. Anyone want to come help me decorate my house? Please? Pretty please?

Day 4: 10 things I would tell my 16-year-old self, if I could

(1) Your future husband lives in another state. You have not met him. Pay no attention to those other seemingly attractive males.

(2) It's not a sin to dress fashionably.

(3) You are not ugly.

(4) Work hard, but not too hard.

(5) Be forgiving.

(6) You have depression--seek help.

(7) Your happiness DOES matter

(8) I know it seems like you're the only 16-year-old who doesn't have a driver's license, but you are definitely not. Your future husband won't get his until he's 21. It won't matter in ten years :)

(9) Chair placement is no indication of talent. And it is not important in the long run.

(10) Most of all, you DO matter. Heavenly Father loves you a lot more than you think.

Day 3: My Relationship with my spouse

"I can't date him! He looks like my younger brother!"

Those were my exact words to my roommates when I came home from my first date with Stephan. It was a blind date, set up by my roommate Jenny and her friend Andrew. Jenny had met Stephan a few months before at Andrew's single's ward activity in Pleasant Grove. After exchanging only a few words with Stephan, she deemed him perfect for me. When she and Andrew offered to set me up with him, I turned them down. I was *kind of* dating someone else at the time, although I was rather confused about where things were going.

It wasn't long after that when I found out that he wasn't interested in having a relationship with me, and with that, we stopped dating. A week after that, I told Jenny that I changed my mind and that she could set me up with Stephan.

The date happened about a month after that, and I was glad it was a double date or else it would have been a rather one-sided date, with me trying unsuccessfully to make conversation with Stephan while he shut down every attempt. By the end of the date, I decided he wasn't interested in me, and was shocked when he asked for my number.

When I went inside, my other roommates (Jenny was on the date with me) asked for a play-by-play of the evening. That was when I made my now infamous declaration that begins this post.

And of course, they teased me by trying out my first name with his last name (of course).

"He won't call," I told them smugly. "he's too chicken."

And just over a week later, I found a voicemail from him on my phone.

It took a few days, and a lot of convincing from friends and my therapist at the time, but I called him back. Surprisingly, we had a great conversation, and we agreed to go out again.

Our second date...was lame. Well, the transportation was anyway. Stephan had barely gotten his driver's license a few months before, there was a huge snowstorm that day, he chickened out, his father was our chauffeur.

Yup, I got to meet my father-in-law on our second date. It was totally awkward and I felt like I was in high school again...except I never dated in high school. If he had come on the date itself, that would have been the end of Stephan. Thankfully, that wasn't the case.

Our third date: absolutely perfect. Stephan found out that I love the fine arts, Asian culture, and Japanese cuisine. With that information, he planned the perfect date: a Japanese boon-raku puppet show, Japanese woodblock exhibit, and Japanese food to end the night. I didn't think there was a good Japanese restaurant in Utah County, but there was, and we still love it.

I decided to keep him after that date. He introduced me to his entire family a week later at his younger brother's mission farewell. And I do mean ENTIRE family. It was intimidating, to say the least. His younger brother was rather insistent on "approving" of me before he left, as if *he* has any authority ;)

We didn't date long before we got engaged. However, we had a five-month long engagement (which is FOREVER in Mormon culture) before we were married on August 15, 2009.

Our first year of marriage was pretty tough for a lot of reasons. Other than his mission, Stephan had never lived away from home, while I had been living several thousand miles away from my family for four years. I was having a terrible time finding work. I was in a car accident a month after our wedding. Then I more or less had a mental breakdown because of previously mentioned stresses and more. It was bad. To those of you married couples who had an easy first year and scoff at the "first year of marriage is hard" stuff, I'm glad your first year was a breeze, but please know that there are those of us who had a hard first year and still have good marriages :)

Do we have a perfect marriage? Far from it. We do have a good marriage, and we're always trying to have a better one.

Marriage isn't easy, but everything that is worthwhile comes with challenges. And is it worth it? Oh yes! As long as both parties are willing to work together at making marriage work.

Taken after one year of marriage. We need to take another  "just us" picture one of these days...

I rule.

I will close by saying that marrying Stephan is the best decision I ever made. He has stood by me through thick and thin, and he understands me like no one else can. I can't imagine having a better husband. I also can't imagine Kate having a better father. You don't know love until you hear your husband making your baby laugh :)

Day 2: Three Legitimate Fears I have, and why

What exactly is a "legitimate" fear? I guess it is supposed to mean rational versus irrational fears. But aren't all fears inherently irrational? Okay okay, I'll stop overanalyzing now.

First I'll start with the seemingly silly...

(1) Dogs

My apologies to any dog-loving/owning friends who may be reading this, but I'm afraid of dogs.

I had a few too many scary experiences with dogs during my most formative years, starting when we lived in Japan. On our trips to the grocery store (we had to walk), there was a house on our route with a German shepherd chained in the front yard. Every time we walked by, the dog would probably have attacked us if not for the chain. According to my mother, this freaked me out.

Then we moved to the west Houston suburb of Katy, Texas, where my fears were further solidified.

Next door to us lived a dysfunctional family with boys who were into every possible dangerous thing you could think of. They had a Lassie-like dog whom they took great delight in "sic-ing" on me every time they brought her outside.

Then there was the house facing ours. The family had a Russian wolfhound--if you have ever seen one, you know that they are HUGE. 

He was allowed to wander the neighborhood, pooping on bushes at his leisure (my mother threatened to put dog poop in the owner's sports car if it happened again). I'm sure he was harmless (he sure was stupid), but dude, he was HUGE! He once chased me up my driveway, probably to play with me, but I was already traumatized by other dog experiences, so I responded to his attempts at play by slamming the gate on him before he could get to me.

Now onto fears that should be explored in therapy...

(2) Being disliked by everyone

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First off, I should acknowledge that this is one manifestation of my depression/anxiety issues. It has improved drastically since I started taking medication, but it's still there :(

Here is the history (apologies if it's too long): as I have mentioned before, I was speech delayed because of multiple ear infections that caused a temporary hearing loss. Antibiotics took care of the ear infections, and I started speech therapy, which classified me as "special needs" in my school district. While I do not doubt that speech therapy and being in Early Childhood (special ed for preschoolers) were necessary and beneficial, I do feel like my social development was impeded. Of course, social prowess isn't something that runs strongly in my family, so who knows how much it was truly impeded?

My school district didn't know quite what to do with me once I hit elementary school, my verbal skills were on par with my peers as were my intellectual skills, but I had some difficulty functioning in a large classroom setting. So, I was placed in resource (small class setting), and kept the special ed label. The bullies smelled me from a mile away. My second and fifth grade teachers were no better.

There are other events that have contributed, but I don't feel that it's important to go into them. I think I've made my point.

Before you think I'm obsessing, let me reiterate that I have come to accept that what's done is done, and I can't change the past. People did the best they could with the information they had at the time, and some good has come from it all. My experiences contributed to my brother's decision to become a special education teacher, for example.

I will move on because this is already becoming a novel. Now onto the contradicting fear!

(3) Speaking up

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I struggle with speaking up in general. I guess it's a fear of offending people, which is ironic since I fear being disliked, so I shouldn't care right? Now that I write it out, I suppose it's not so ironic.

It seems that whenever I try to express my opinions on things (whether online or in real life), especially on controversial subjects, I attract the most negativity. I don't know why this is. I suppose this is because I don't express myself very well, and my lack of self-confidence. Of course, my closest friends will probably be baffled reading this because I don't have as much hesitation expressing opinions around them.

Again, this is probably something I should explore once again in therapy. If I had the energy to find someone.

If you made it to the end of this, congratulations. Now you probably think I'm an obsessive, neurotic human being...but I suppose I shouldn't care, right? :)

Day 1: 20 random facts about me

During my daily perusal of Pinterest, I came across this blog post called "30 things my kids should know about me", and I felt inspired. I use this blog as a journal of sorts, and lately it has been more about Kate than about me. I have also been having a writer's block of sorts, so the list in the original post will give me topics to write about.

For day one, I will be telling you 20 random things about myself. Here goes nothing...

(1) I have long toes

(2) No matter how many times I've tried to like them, I can't stand fresh tomatoes.

(3) At 5'4", I am the shortest in both my family and Stephan's family.

(4) Steven Sharp Nelson performed at my wedding reception before he became famous. I have the photos to prove it.

(5) I have a relative who fought and died in the Alamo.

(6) I was on the front page of the Daily Herald for trying to learn how to knit. Apparently that was bigger news than the Brian David Mitchell trial.

(7) It seems I did all my exciting traveling before I was two. I'm somewhat bitter about this.

(8) It takes at least 45 minutes to straighten my hair. That's why I never straighten it ;)\

(9) My eyes are two different shapes.

(10) My mom wanted to name me Allegra. I'm not sure I have ever thanked my dad enough for intervening.

(11) Bach is one of my favorite composers.

(12) I love silky fabrics.

(13) My husband and I were each other's first kiss :)

(14)  I have a total of 55 first cousins.

(15) I have had eye surgery twice for strabismus

(16) I started violin lessons just before my eleventh birthday.

(17) I don't use a shoulder rest when I play the violin. This is a point of some controversy in the string world.

(18) I have a very good memory (not for useful information, of course). This is both a good and bad thing.

(19) I graduated from college the day before I got married. If you can avoid doing it this way, I would recommend it.

(20) Although I might come off as witty and brilliant in my writing, I am actually very awkward in real life.



Here's the list, if you want to do this too:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your spouse.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. If you could have three wishes, what would you wish for?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. What’s the hardest part of growing up?
14. Describe 5 and weaknesses strengths you have.
15. Describe when you knew your spouse was the one or how I fell in love.
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What do you think your spouse loves most about you?
19. How did you feel the moment you became a parent?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. Describe your relationship with your parents.
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. What’s your favorite holiday and why?
24. What’s your favorite and least favorite thing about parenthood?
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What’s your favorite quality in your spouse?
29. What are your hopes and dreams for your posterity?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

And now...

Kate is 13 months old. Good thing I got that one-year-old post up, eh?

In the last few days, she has added the word "butt" to her vocabulary. She doesn't know what she's saying, which makes it all the more hilarious. Stephan doesn't find it as funny as I do, but that's his loss ;)

Kate finally seems interested in the possibility of walking. She will now let us hold her under the armpits (not the arms, she does not like having her arms pulled on...can't blame her) and will grace us with a few steps more often than not now. She also lets go of the furniture more often to stand independently for a few seconds, before she realizes what she's doing and sits down.

Another development in the life of Kate: picky eating. I'll put food in front of her, only to have her start dropping it one by one onto the kitchen floor. SIGH! If I weren't still nursing, I'd be really worried about her calorie intake. Apparently, 13 months is prime time to start being a picky eater. I hope she grows out of it soon...

In other news, I'm wearing contacts again. I stopped wearing them while I was pregnant because I ran out of my prescription, and I couldn't afford to update both my contact and glasses prescription, so I chose to update the glasses prescription. Now that we have insurance that covers eye exams, I decided to get contacts again. I am getting new glasses too--I always keep my glasses prescription current, just in case :)

I am also working on eating healthier, mainly because when I eat healthier, I feel better all around. My depression is a lot easier to manage if I eat well. I'm not doing anything drastic--just eating more fruits and veggies, cutting back on the junk, drinking plenty of water, etc. I also want to set a good example for Kate (and subsequent children) with regards to eating. After all, how do I expect my children to eat healthy foods if I don't?

And...that's all folks. For now.